The saying goes, "when it rains, it pours." It seems as though when things are good, they're good; and when they're bad, they're bad. The last two weeks have been--well, trying. There have been moments of great joy, but a span of time that weighed heavily on my spirit as a great sense of sadness and resignation seemed to be unshakable. I started to wonder what the cause or causes were, and I settled on a few different variants.
1. As one desires growth or revelation there's an opposing power that desires nothing more than to sow and reap destruction. It's been a season of much refinement--much pruning. I'm constantly asking for clear vision in the midst of the process because, without an understanding that I'm being refined, bitterness and resentment could seep into places in my heart where they're not welcomed. A few months ago, God kind of gave me a heads up that I was going to need to strap in. Noted!
2. There is an issue of lacking discipline in my life that can bring about unwanted results. In some areas, I have much; in others, I'm a bit more inconsistent. Discipline is something I value, but it's also hard to maintain if I'm operating out of my own strength. This is where I need to operate in a place of grace--grace as a means of empowerment.His grace is sufficient. Me typing it out once means nothing. This is a thought that I long to have moment by moment, and sometimes that seems more apparent then others. It is humbling and reminds me that we're constantly in process.
3. Lastly, Uganda is just around the corner, and as the team and I have been preparing for it, we have felt warfare in various forms. Lies are creeping into our minds, and it's what we do with those lies that make the world of difference. I'm giving my testimony this Sunday at our training meeting, and as I've been mulling and praying over what I will share, I was overwhelmed by a sense of sadness and resignation as old tendencies mustered their way back into my heart.
There was a call tonight during prayer worship for anyone who needed prayer---specifically prayers against the lies being spoken over us by the voice that is not our loving Father's. For every lie, there is a truth, and that truth breaks the chains of captivity. Renouncing the lies and proclaiming the loving truths of God is incredibly powerful, and we were able to partake of that in community. As I was being prayed over, I got an image that spoke very deeply to my heart. My friend praying over me asked the Lord to show me an image of His great, unspeakable love for me.
Papa has an intricately fashioned, framed picture of me on His nightstand. With the most loving eyes, He gazes at me--and with great delight, He just smiles the biggest smile. Papa's Girl.
Again, I was reminded that I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Also, I was reminded of how much He loves me by showing me that amazing friends are contending for me as the Spirit leads them.
I pray we know His love more and more; that the truth and presence of His spirit indwelling in us would displace the lies, the doubts, the fears and insecurities. I ask for boldness and courage for His kids to live lives that demand explanation.